InsideOut

destruction of the second degree

2011-03-25T15:13:00.001-07:00

dark and quiet without a sound,

no one is here, no one is around.

The sense of suffocation is abound.

The search for an exit I commence,

the feeling of failure is intense,

there is no path to seek penance.

In the darkness I tremble and fall,

the cry for help is my only call,

futile my attempt, for every side is a wall.

There is no escape from this wretched place,

no matter how well I can plead my case,

I am excommunicated from my pace;

for an injustice I committed that was not wrong
I saved the lives of four not strong
and condemned myself to a life of darkness
for friendship and loyalty are my greatest weakness.

The Key

2011-01-22T09:25:00.000-08:00

I cannot sleep because all I think about is you

and if I fall to my dreams all I dream about is you

why can I not let you leave me alone

set me free so I can roam

about the world - go where I want to go

I want to plant a new rose without thinking of the old

I want to feel the warmth of the sun, not the cold

I am afraid. I am afraid. I am afraid...to fall asleep

I cower in my cowardice to move on from what I could not keep

I can admit this to myself but the benefits I cannot reap

I am surrounded by love yet my heart continues to weep.

the ink pours out in a deranged mess, all over this sheet

queer they seem, scribbled out, as your eyes they meet

empty, is how I feel, like this pen squeezing out its meat

empty we'll both be, at the end of the sheet, after this feat.

a numbness settles in, trying to set me free

the voices speak, but they only speak to me

my thoughts start to clear and suddenly I see

that life has no meaning. That is the key.

2010-10-14T00:23:00.000-07:00

sometimes we say really stupid things

and just want to get away from the way the world swings

we say things we immediately regret

not thinking at all about their effect

Sometimes we're mean and just plain cruel

sometimes we're on the receiving end, that's just nature's rule

These words slip right off of our tongue

to sting someone else in the spine, rung by rung

These words can handicap their destination

and when we feel it back we cry for our restoration

These words cause quarrels between friends

They are the words that take relationships to their ends

mom's and dad's yell them at night, "trying" to make mends

and you all know you say these to your boyfriends

use these words and you are making the world a worse off place

every time you say these words you sting someones eyes like mace

So listen to what you say and who you are saying it to

because the last person who wants to hear these words said to them is you

Toy Store

2010-07-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

You know when you walk by
and you see it shine, it just catches your eye.

You smile wide and pull on mom's hand;
mother can we go in just for a second.

For 20 minutes you beg and you plead.
You con your way into this toy factory.

You walk straight to the back and there it is,
the shiny red truck you've been cherishing.

You fool around for a little bit,
caught in the moment you forget mother's not having it.

Next thing you know "come on lets go,"
she's grabbing you by the ear and you say "no!"

She drags you kicking and screaming from the store,
you tell her you don't want to be her son anymore.

Tears and all you're dragged away abhorred,
emotions and all respect destroyed.

The next morning you walk down the street
only to see another kid and his mother playing with the green jeep.

You stick your face to the window and stare in awe
as he places his hand on your red truck in the store.

Your heart splices in two as he moves it across the floor.
You curse your mother for what she'd done before.

You see them approach the register and your only thought is "oh no"
the store clerk scans the truck tag and it comes up at $24.

Maybe Christmas you think to yourself. Maybe my birthday.

But it never came. Twenty-four Christmases and birthdays went and came
And while you're far too old, you'll never forget it all the same.

You will always want that very truck you saw on that bittersweet day.

Loud Lake Placid

2010-06-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

The rain hisses like a black ally cat caught off guard;
roaring between hisses like the jungle king.

He sits in his rowboat. Completely marred.
oar-less. He's given up in the ring.

the match is over. He sits there breathing cold into his lungs,
he feels the ice enclose around his heart;
it is here where his soul, next to his breast, is hung
the icicles form in his throat, diving down like a dart.

His time is up. Operating on a broken clock
The doctor warned him that they were out of tock.

Though, He could not speak his true desire;
that the hate he had pent up was burning like a raging fire.

What he would give to see her cry;
what he would give to see her heart die.

He knew she was soulless
and what they had could not be undone

but he warned her from his resting place

"Know you have a heart of stone.
A stone that cannot be warmed,
not even by the sun"

Last Supper

2010-06-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to get a grip.
To pull myself up out of this hole.
I should have known better,
Because I have been here before.

Like a cancer within my heart,
The tumor slowly tears my soul apart.
The distance is a catalyst to the end,
there's no light from around the bend

The lies and the deceit
grew out of 16 million feet
Every day I wake up numb,
Every day I'm told I'm dumb.

I try and push it out of my mind
But the devil and my dreams had already dined
I wake up in a cold hot sweat
With a racing heart that is still in debt.

Lost In It All

2010-04-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

What do you do when your heart is black and blue,
and all the eyes can do is shed a tear or two?
Your soul will writhe trying to end its own life,
and inside…you will feel a war.

Inside you will feel a war and outside you will
wonder what it’s all for.
You look abroad and everyone is at peace and you
wonder why your war won’t cease.

Soon the blue fades and black is what’s left,
and in black blood your heart will be dressed.
The darkness will seep through your network of veins,
and your body will become numb to all the pains.

But deep down inside under all the black,
a drop of red comes under attack.
it will cling on for life and sometimes will win,
but until then your only friend is the party’s gin

Keep It Simple Stupid

2010-01-29T00:15:00.001-08:00

A kiss is as simple as two lips touching
Yet as complicated as the millions, billions, and trillions of electrons vibrating against one another
Breathing life into the chemicals that create your DNA
The piece of print that creates our being
That encodes your personality, your likes, dislikes and the
unlimited amount of love that can be expressed from the simplicity of a kiss.

a kiss. it’s a symbolic gesture. You are saying so without saying anything at all
you’re telling her “i trust you” and if she reciprocates, so many doors open and shut at the same time.
It says i love, i care, i trust; love me, want me, trust me, hold me. Kiss. Me. A.Gain.

a kiss. it means so much and sometimes we just give it away
sometimes it’s wasted on someone random, whether night or day
they come in many forms and can be done in many a way
they can be on the cheek, the lips and the duration can make a world of difference.
One second could mean i want to spend the rest of my life with you and ten minutes of tongue can mean I won’t remember this when the sun rises.

a kiss. sometimes a mistake. A pity when we just give it away.

a kiss. It’s like it’s own language in a big way. on the cheek can mean hello friend, it can be innocent and harmless
or if it lingers it can mean hey. let’s get lost in bliss.

a kiss. it’s like a key into your heart, your world. your soul.

a kiss. it can make your tears sweet or sour. sad or happy. excited or glum. One can make your skin tingle with excitement. Yet watching it be given to someone else can make your dermis feel on fire. A kiss can take you to heaven on earth or hell in your own mind.

a kiss. we only have so many to give away before it starts to mean nothing at all.
It’s like the green dollars put away in your wallets, once you start spending it irresponsibly you forget it’s value.
Don’t let this happen to you. Don’t let your kiss mean nothing at all, don’t let your kiss let you or someone else fall, don’t let your kiss be forgotten in the ray of the sun
in the morning when you wake up not knowing where you are and are frantically getting.your.clothes.on.

a kiss. respect it. value it. love it.

A Forgotten Knight

2009-09-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

I cannot get you out of my head.
From the darkness, I remember sitting on the bed
playing the game as you passed the sadness ahead.
Face to face, "yes" is what I recall you said.

Then it was chaos and all went astray
black was white and white was gray
the rhymes ceased and so did the play
your kind heart struck me with dismay.

I passed the happiness to my brother.
He listend as I told the story of my lost lover;
perhaps her act and play was all a cover,
maybe all along her sights were on another

that night we were on the bed,
all of those things you said.
Little did I know you'd choose that way,
little did you know I was left in dismay.
Such is life when you pursue a false endeavour,
I will always remember sitting on that bed...forever

Isn't it Odd

2009-05-30T01:41:00.000-07:00

isn't it odd how she can make you feel;
isn't it odd how she can make you keel?

isn't it odd, the control she has over you;
isn't it odd how she can convince you 0+1=2?

isn't it odd how your stomach feels a pit;
isn't it odd how you'd rather feel lit?

isn't it odd that you'd jump a bridge;
isn't it odd how she'd never walk the ledge?

isn't it odd how you're just a chump;
isn't it odd how she's a cancerous lump?

isn't it odd how you'll do anything in the world;
isn't it odd how you find yourself curled?

isn't it odd that you end up not regretting;
isn't it odd that you end up forgetting?

isn't it odd that you do it all over again;
isn't it odd that there is no end?

isn't it odd. isn't it odd. isn't it odd.

It Is Odd.

All Done

2009-04-19T01:00:00.001-07:00

She's here.

I don't recall the last time I smiled so wide.
Through the deep blue ocean tide

you would think you saw a pearl.
I think I have found her.

She has come to put me together.
She is everything I could ask for,
and often quite a bit more.
When I see her, she makes me smile,
a motion my lips have not made for a while.

But just as quick as it began,
It all blew away like sand.

Before I knew it the smile had turned upside down;
as fast as it had formed, it changed to a frown..
Her emotions fluttered and it was done,
I should have known this was to come.
These stories are always too good to be true;
she'll always turn your red heart to dark blue.

Knowing

2009-03-31T00:13:00.000-07:00

you know
you know when it was a mistake
you know
you know when hope was worthless
you know
you know when it wasn't going to happen
you know
you know it had been over for a while now
you know
you know the response would be hollow
you know
you know it was dumb to think she'd follow
you know
you know when your efforts were ignored
you know
you know when you were careless
you know
you know when you tried to cover it up
you know
you know when your life is a facade
you know
you know
you know

I'm sick of knowing.

Remember When It Was Our Turn?

2008-11-13T23:43:00.000-08:00

Remember the day the world fell down?
The day the Archduke would never reach the crown.

Remember the day the Iron Cross began to walk?
The years that David's people ceased to talk.

Remember the day the great bomb was dropped?
A day so many lost their lives on the spot.

Remember the day the curtain went up?
The day Stalin said, "enough is enough!"

Remember the start of the icy war?
It reached across so many shores.

Koreans, Afghans, Viets and more;
their countries torn apart in a silent war.

Remember the day the wall came crumbling down?
The day Lenin's dream fell to the ground.

Remember when King stood up to the status quo?
The day Brown versus the Board caused a row.

Remember the day Kennedy was killed?
The day America's heart was chilled.

Remember The day George Walker Bush won?
The day we realized our votes didn't count, not even one.

Remember when the Towers came down?
The day when black became brown.

Remember the day when we went to war
for reasons based on the president's folklore?

Remember the following years? We thought we were safe;
in actuality our rights were all raped.

Remember in '08 Hope was in the air
The name Obama echoed with "Care" and "Fair".

Remember the day King's dream came true?
The day the White House would only be half too.

Remember when we changed our nation?
When our votes were a reason for celebration,
When our votes were a loud declaration,
When we were tired of our rights' degradation,
When we cast the ballot without hesitation,
When our votes were a type of illustration,
When He won, it was an inspiration...

My friends remember that day.
Remember what you could feel.
Remember what you could see.
For that day, WE made history.

Grey

2008-11-13T11:51:00.000-08:00

With every click
a part of the past flashes by.

A broken soul twists and turns
churns and spurns. It never learns.

the pins hit quick and hard.
All the pieces, all the shards

quiver, tremble, burn, and fall.
Every exchange, quick and dull;

He took the risk and he fell.
He confined himself to this hell.

With every resurgence a new strike blows;
back on the ground facing new lows.

Sometimes it's hard to fall asleep,
thinking of her makes him weak

in a way that creates an insomniac
a torturous consciousness, a mental wrack.

The rower is out and the weather is glum
he now realizes he is deaf and dumb.

nothing gets through. He needs to flee,
but the oars have sunken so painfully.

Abandoned and alone, a storm he shall face,
floating above a sea of disgrace,
only himself left to embrace.

The Walk Back

2008-10-18T17:22:00.001-07:00

Cold October night. The breeze bites hard.
It blows through my thoughts day by day.
The sidewalk rains; bland as the past we lived.

Walked by a bed of weeds. A familiar feeling;
like the stain left upon the soul.
A familiar feeling.

3:37 the train rumbled by. Trembling
are the shards you left behind.
It will never be the same; the colors
of the past fade to black and white.
The former reigns hard; hard as the
stone from within;

from within you.

Yet the smile at your site, brings such
delight. Light. Feather-like.

Feather-like.

Somewhere far off, an empty nest remains.
Never to experience what once was.
It just remains;

existing.

Blue Skies so Far Away

2008-08-05T01:39:00.000-07:00

I knew it was you.
I knew it was you,
the girl in the blue.
Made my stomach churn
wondering if you would turn
around to see me and say hello.
But I knew you wanted me to go.

Away I went in a rush,
close enough for us to brush.
You noticed, I know you did.
I should have turned and said,
"Is it you, is it really you?
May I have a hug? Maybe two?
Have you missed me as I have you?"

I knew better and walked away
scurried thinking, "what would she say?"
Walking off into the distance away from chance
wondering, "what if I had asked to dance"

I turned back to test my luck,
only to be left debunk.
Had I only said hello at first,
My heart may have avoided this curse.

Paper Clips and Sundried Chips

2008-08-05T01:33:00.000-07:00

the touch of sandpaper
reminds me of this
rough, rocky, makes me cringe.

feels like Limbo
suspended in mid air
helpless and confused
dumb and confound

your face, consistent like the moon;
your sentiments are just as distant.
You take me around in circles
with no aim or direction at all.

Someday soon I hope to know
what's on your mind
and how this is supposed to go.

Days have passed
all sunshine no gloom
and now i know your answer.
no questions. no fools.

Once More

2008-05-20T00:15:00.000-07:00

I really wish you would talk to me again;
hold my hand and walk with me again.

I really wish you were here for me again;
talk me through the cuckoo again.

I really wish you were here again;
hold me tight and tell me it's alright again.

I really wish you were by my side again;
a laughing band, hand in hand again.

I really wish you would hug me again;
really tight with all your might again.

I really wish you hadn't left again;
never to talk, on my own to walk again.

I really wish I hadn't fumbled again;
lost your trust, lost in lust again.

I really wish you would accept my apology again;
I was in a daze, I have changed my ways again.

Although I have said that again and again;
one thing has not changed again and again,

though not as lovers but as a friend,
I love you, not again, but always.

The Pink Tulip

2008-02-10T20:14:00.000-08:00

You have no idea how much I miss
the look in your eyes, the touch of your kiss;

the embrace of your hand, the warmth of your breath.
All these memories, for you, faced their death,

yet within me, they live,
and every night, tears are what they give,

as a bitter gift to my eye
a reminder of the love you claimed was no lie.

And every night through a blur, I gaze towards the stars,
As if to look at you from behind bars.

The bars of this prison you've put me in
my emotions are dying slowly, wearing thin.

If only you would set me free.
Just call and say one word, that's the key

to opening the cell door and letting me go.
Letting me be your friend, nothing more.

Set me free and quit the censorship
allow me to give another a pink tulip.

Dawn

2007-07-05T01:45:00.000-07:00

In my sweater I hide.
In this paper I confide.
I give up, I tried.
I'm tired of this horrid ride.
I'm being shuffled from side to side.

Now i Feel bound and tied.
As if to a post's side.
Don't torture me, I have not lied.
You're the only girl I have eyed.
I almost feel as if I've died.
I think it's time for the morning tide.

One Last Time

2007-07-05T01:14:00.000-07:00

I keep on trying with you,
but I just can't seem to get through,
and up and over this wall
that you've erected so tall
once again

I once fell in love with you
What ever happened to that girl i knew?
Why did you leave me in the cold?
I don't deserve this at all.
My friend, my love, why did you stop speaking to me?
I've no idea what wrong I've done to thee.

Illusive Allusions

2007-07-05T01:06:00.000-07:00

If I had the cowardly courage
I'd end it all today,
the profundity of blood excretion,
imagine the falls of Niagara, in a sangria shade.
She'll "always love me," she said.
I suppose lies fall a dime a dozen.
My spirits need not to be risen.

I'm simply the grass to trample on.
To make it worse, the weeds have surfaced;
although, I suppose I should be grateful
that I shall exit the world - but why like so?
He does not know.
He does not know.

Confined Soul

2007-06-15T17:03:00.000-07:00

Religion, faith, belief

Call it what you may

I think it’s all deceit.

Mohammad, Jesus and Moses

These three, tend to be

The most famous doses

An opiate of the masses

So contagious that it spreads

through the air like gasses.

Like a parasite

their idealism infects

yet it's lack of insight

the extremist lacks.

Thus, I suggest to you

To Meet a Muslim

To speak to a Jew

Or to pick a faith at random

Which, in some way, may educate you.

New

2007-01-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

The old year came.
The old year is gone.
A new year has come.
A new year has come.

As the clock moves toward midnight,
the children are everywhere in sight,
drinking and mingling,
feeling good, tingling.

The girls with the boys
and the boys with the girls
no one knows who's with who
no one knows what to do.

As the clock strikes 1 'till,
everyone prepares for the thrill.
Who to love, who to kiss?
Everyone seems to be in a state of bliss.

The new year is here and everyone screams.
New hopes, new friends, and new dreams.
Loved ones from the past,
are far away cast;

for they shall not interfere
with my happiness, my life, i have no fear.
She wants me gone and gone i shall be
for it is a new year, and it is a new me.

Leave

2006-12-29T17:53:00.000-08:00

Every time I think of her
my inside twists and turns
Then, a tear forms.
As it snow balls down my cheek,
it collects all the memories we once had.
The tear falls, it breaks.
My heart breaks. I had to put
the pieces together.

The pieces quiver as I tremble.
I tremble because of the immense pain.
The door has closed,
I now must find one of the two
other doors that opened.
It is a new journey.
It is a long journey.

Imagine summer. Imagine
the best summer of your life.
Now imagine that summer turning
into the worst winter ever.
My heart once basked in the sun.
Now it is covered in a black snow.

Over the Wall

2006-12-29T17:49:00.000-08:00

My hopes and dreams fall
the future we'll never have
A heart you broke into halves
You are the worst friend I've ever had.
One person has never made me so sad.
I'll never forget those days we had
The first time we held the other's hand.
The sound of pins falling hard,
Reminds me of a strike to my heart.
Our first kiss, a heated moment,
Now the memory is one of torment.

WYD

2006-12-29T05:11:00.000-08:00

What would you do?
What would you do...
If I were to lay there next to you.
To lay side by side and hold your hand,
swimming in a sea of red daisies, unplanned.
O! how i hope you'll love it.
Your smile, I wish I could see it.
For all the pleasures of the world
Cannot proivide me with the love you once twirled
for me inside your heart
At the beginning, at the start.
My unconditional love for you has not expired.
It is you who grows tired.
I apologize for my past behavior
'Tis not every day one meets his savior.

Ill Fate

2006-12-29T05:09:00.000-08:00

I cannot forget what you've done
I cannot forgive you for the pain you cause me.

Can't you remember the times we had?
Don't you remember? Do you remember the rush?

You kissed my heart and touched my soul
The love you showed was so genuine and pure

Now it seems as if you never meant a thing you said or did
You promised you would never leave

You promised you wouldn't change
You lied, lied again.

I'm sick of your lies. I'm sick of losing you
I'm sick of me, I'm sick of you.

Aleodore

2006-12-29T05:05:00.000-08:00

She has gone to another
She has found a new lover
I need her back
my heart is under attack

Be my savior, as you once were
you saved my life once from a terrible turn.
I love you so,
my love is true, my love is pure.

Baby come to me, be my cure.
I need a miracle, can't you see?
I need a resurrection of those lovely memories.
Saying goodbye is impossible, or so it feels.

I do not know what to do little a, I need you
My endless tears can't capitulate
my love for you, my despair, and my hate.

Onyx

2006-12-29T05:00:00.000-08:00

The day has come
to ask the former one
to spend a rare commodity,
her time. O! the extent of my idiocy.
She isn't allowed she retorts,
She is busy, she replies.
She does not hear my heart cry.
Her excuses are pitiful
Their opacity is bold.
I don't know why I care
When she is too scared to bare
the thought of me, to care.
Her show of love to me is rare.
My heart is bare
Far away in another's hand
a rose whithers into onyx sand
from the soot sprouts a new stem.

Friends

2006-12-29T01:43:00.001-08:00

Don't give up my friend.
Life has no reason to end.

You are the only hope
That allows me to cope.

Don't give in to it,
I'll be there through thick and thin.

Oh how I love you so!
Please never leave, please don't go.

I'll always be here my darling friend
I'll always have my love to lend.

You are too gracious my love
Your spirit is that of a beautiful dove.

Hush my dear, do not shed a tear
Soon all will be well, do not fear.

Irritated

2006-12-29T01:42:00.003-08:00

Chaos and confusion

Embody my thoughts

Dents, cracks, and shreds

Make up my heart.

A fear of loneliness haunts

The fear of failure taunts

Tears streaming alongside the blood

A razor alongside a small puddle

Of murky red water is still

I need a major pain kill

Why can't life come to a standstill?

Petals falling into peril

The soil is hard and barren.

Winter falls and does not leave

Hope is buried by a white seed

Where can the darkest day be?

In Pieces

2006-12-29T01:42:00.001-08:00

Feeling Empty
Feeling Broken
Heart is shredded, ground, torn.
The one I want to care
Could care less
She pays no attention
Except to him.
He's her new love and
I am her compost from her miserable past
I gave her my heart
She dropped it and broke my soul
She kisses him with the same
Or more passion
Why?
That was for us to savor
I've lost a love
I've lost a heart
I've lost the girl that was my world
I've lost the one that completes me
I've lost, again.

Summer Love #2

2006-12-29T01:40:00.002-08:00

As summer comes to an end,
the hopeless clouds loom once again.
Love is lost and love is found,
yet I am loveless, hopeless, and confound.
Lost in a sea of endless thought,
will I ever find what I sought?

Falling

2006-12-29T01:40:00.001-08:00

My world is falling apart
i don't know where to start;
is losing my best friends just a phase?
So many questions I could raise.
My mind is in a constant daze.
My body is in a constant laze.
I wallow in my pathetic fate
I could never be first, second or even third rate.

Summer Love

2006-12-29T01:39:00.001-08:00

Summers come and summers go,
her love withers like a summer rose
you try to love, you try to care,
respond with love? She does not dare.
Old nightmares come to haunt
though for her they're reasons to jaunt.
Jealous memories surge and rage,
though for her they're memories which assuage.

Rumor

2006-12-29T01:37:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to do or say,
They all think I am that way,
I've done nothing to prove them right,
I've never thought of doing that to anyone in sight.
How can they accuse me,
when the truth and reality is out there, roaming free?
There is more to worry about out there in reality
than this accusation, this fallacy
So for you my advice is in one dimension:
Be my friend, get to know me. Allow me this one Concession.

Love Frontier

2006-12-29T01:36:00.000-08:00

With one Tear
I relieve my fear
for, this girl my dear,
puts my heart into "happy gear."
Indeed, it's queer
to your ear
but please monsieur
do not interfere
with the work of a pioneer
on the love frontier

Betrayal

2006-12-29T01:35:00.000-08:00

You give her your best
She always leaves you with what's left
Never giving it her all
Always leaving him with no choice but to fall

Through the dark night he canters
through the dense fog he saunters
always afraid of taking wrong turns

He once again gives her all he can
But she doesn't seem to give a damn
He tries for so long and so hard
He needs to face the fact that he's playing with the wrong card.

Starry Nights

2006-12-29T01:32:00.000-08:00

starry skies are no more,
the black sea up high is such a bore

reminiscent of an age no more than 10 years ago,
when the shining stars were a flow

from mars to Jupiter I could gaze,
those were the heavens receiving my praise

Where is this God over which there is so much dispute?
It lies in the universe, I repute.

There is so much mystery in this dark ocean above,
so calm and so placid, like a dove

I look to it for answers expected,
I'm disappointed with questions confounded.

Where to have our starry skies run?
These polluted nights are no longer fun.

Adieu

2006-12-29T01:29:00.000-08:00

I am a flower, you the sun
Every Day you leave me, I feel as if I'm done.
Left in the cold
Left in the dark
I await your morning spark.
Your hope shines, so far, so bright
It's you I need, your dumbfounding light.
The first time I felt your touch
It sent through me an astonishing rush.
My senses heightened, yet they were numb,
I found myself motionless, rooted, dumb.
Yet again you leave me, lonely and unattended,
The night is so long, and I am to be ended.
Sun, you have left me, as you always do,
I bid you farewell my love, adieu, adieu.